Spooky. Scrappy. Sexy.

Saturday. 8:40 p.m.
My buddy Donny stops by my apartment to pick me and be D.D. for the night. He's eager to get to the bar but I assure him the doesn't begin until 10:00 and we have at least an hour to kill.
Intead we play play a round of video games and pregame with Vanilla Vodka.
10:04. A final round of shots is taken and we head out to the bar.
10:11. We arrive but there is a line of about a dozen people. We wait and before we hit the bouncer stand to pay entry. As soon as the line shortens and we're about to get in to the bar, a group of college aged females in costumes arrive. I let them cut ahead and we wait a bit longer. As soon as the girls pay the cover and make their way past us, one mouths "Thank you" to us. Donny and I pay the cover and make our way in. As soon as we walk through the door, my friend Mary who coordinated the burlesque show, is dressed as a sexy witch. She greets Donny and I. She tells us to grab drinks and to stay a while, so we head to the bar. The bar is pretty packed but I manage to squueze in by an empty stool. Opposite of the stool is an older woman with dark hair and in her 60's. She looks a little tipsy but it is obvious she's waiting for someone to return. The bar has only two tenders. One is a dark haired female, 20's in a tight, sexy cop costume. The other bartender is a few years younger and is dressed as a sexy nurse. They are running around rampant, trying to take care of everybody. I barely get the nurse's attention. She says "One sec. I'll be right back."
Damn it, nurse! I need my medicine. She assembles what looks lke a couple of screwdrivers, a tall dark beer and heads to the opposite end of the bar. As I stand there patiently waiting, an older Hispanic man with a white beard and quaff, wearing a dark blue plaid shirt. He looks drunk, confused, irrate and he reaks of Jose Cuervo Gold and Coors light. He says,"What up ese? You want to sit down" I say, "No, thanks. I'm just getting a drink." I look at the woman who was waiting for him. She keeps saying, "No, No! He didn't even talk to me. Déjelo. Estas loco." (Let him be. You're crazy.) I say "My bad am I in your way?" and offer the stool as I ease away. He says "Nah, Nah. This is my sister. Have a seat if you want." She gives a look of surprise and disappointment. I can tell he's wasted, irrational, and will be persistent regarding the situation. He has made up his mind, so I dive in. I look him straight in the eye, extend my hand and say "Me llamo Ardy. Mucho gusto. He replies as he shakes my hand, "Soy Angel. Ella es mi hermana. Sientate."  (Angel. This is my sister. Have a seat.) She looks at him and exlaims, "You're stupid!"
He starts going on about his "sister" and I begin to lose the words in his tequila breath. The sexy nurse comes back. "What can I get for you sweetie?" My savior.
Angel is still going on so I interrupt him "Angel, I just want a drink. You mind?" He replies, "Orale. Go for it." I say thanks and slink by."Tequila sour. Anything but Cuervo."
10:22. Donny gets his drink and we find our seats.There are several groups gathered and scattered. The age of the audience is varying from college age kids to retirement aged folk.
There is Dj at the stage playing a variation of R&B, Hip-hop, EDM and Halloween music. By the stage there is a pit of guys, girls and other performers all dressed in costume, waiting to start the show. Some are chatting. A few are sipping drinks. A couple take shots. They are ready.
10:35 A college aged male dressed as Frank from Donnie Darko hits stage with a microphone in his hand. He intros the show and the Mistress of the night. A blonde female in her early 30's comes up. She's dressed as Elvis in a white jumpsuit and Gold shades. She explains what the art of burlesque is about. "Boobs and beauty so please be respectful of these ladies."
 She also explains there is a costume contest and everyone dressed up (except the performers) will be judged through the night and the winners will be announced after the show. Elvis finishes explaining and introduces Eden who is dressed as Sandra Dee from Grease. Eden hits the floor and most of the crowd gathers around. She does a dance number around a male dressed as a demented wind up doll. She finishes the number and leaves the stage. As soon as she exits the sound of thunder comes over the speakers and the lights flash to emulate lightning. The wind up monster gets up out of his chair and does a robotic pantomime to creepy music. He makes frightening gestures towards the crowd by extending his arms in a Frankensteinesque movement. Some of the crowd laughs, a couple of girls scream. His number ends and he bows in character.
10:44 Another performer by the name of Coco Blush hits the stage. The crowd applauses and waits for her to begin. Behind the crowd a barback smashes a handful of beer bottles in a  trash can. The loud noise startles some and half the room turns to his attention. They turn back to the show. Coco dances in a chair seductively as the crowd woos. She begins to remove a red boa and it hits the floor. She removes the remaining garments. They hit the floor. She ends her number and assistants run through to pick up the garments. Elvis hits the stage and says a game is about to be played. She needs four volunteers. 3 volunteers go up to the stage and my old buddy Angel follows behind. Elvis says "We're going to play pin the tail on the boobies." Angel yells out something about female genitalia. Elvis get on his case and says,"No. Boobies you old pervert! Look at you! You're just a shameless old perv, huh?" The bar erupts in laughter. Angel tries to rebuttal but the crowd is too loud to let him. Angel clams right up not too long after. All the volunteers get blindfolded and attempt to stick a pasty on Mary's breast. As each one attmpts the task, the crowd tries to guid the player towards Mary. The first two players don't have much luck but the third, a female in her 20's hits her target. Next up is Angel. Angel struggles to find Mary and is getting little to no help from the crowd. He begins to loose his way and completely misses Mary. He doesn't get a second chance and the game comes to an end.
10:56 It's time for the show to proceed and the audience has crowded around the stage, yet again. A female in her 20's, dressed as a lumberjack with a beard and red flannel, hits stage and knocks on 2×4 pieces of wood with a hatchet. Shania Twain's 'Feel Like A Woman' blares over the audio system. Halfway through the song, she loses the flannel shirt and strips down to underwear, boots and pasties.
11:00 Donny's friend Dave from work shows up just as another performer hits the stage. A girl with a sheet with two holes for eyes dances seductively on stage. She looses the sheet and strips down to pasties. The song ends and she vacates the stage. Elvis jumps on the microphone and tells everyone to stay off of their phones because the dancers are performing their hearts out. It looks like she's glaring at me but I can't tell through her Elvis glasses. Donny leans to me and asks,"Is she talking to you?"
I think so. I don't want to be rude so I continue my report but I'm  less obvious about it.
11:23 A female in her early 30's, dressed as Selena, lip syncs 'Como La Flor' while undressing. The crowd especially reacts to this performance. I can't tell if it's because of the song, amazing costume or incredible physique. It's safe to assume all three. She finishes the song and assistants and crew begin to do a final stage change. Some of the crowd stands  up and refresh their drinks. I do the same.
11:48 Mary hits stage in her sexy witch costume while seductively dancing and stripping to 'I Put a Spell On You'. She ends the show in pasties, high heels and her witches hat. Mary gets on the mic and thanks everyone for coming. Donny asks if we should leave early to avoid the crowd. I say "sure" and we depart.